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Graeme Mullen
Advanced Member Username: graeme
Post Number: 128 Registered: 11-2003
| Posted on Thursday, December 29, 2005 - 1:09 pm: |
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By 5am Look at this. These highways digging into the backs of hills like tapeworms, these billboards blinking new hallucinations, these signs and sidewalks shaping the land into corrals. What’s left but to fire our pocket change from slingshots, spiderweb these windshields into Rorschach tears, tear up this night with our eyes, stitch these constellations into patterns of revenge? And so on and so on for hours, until the bile is dry in our glands, until our hearts’ wicks have burned down to the wax. And by 5am, all that’s left is to sputter in this early morning drizzle, count these rows of street lamps as they dim like orange groves falling into drought. (Message edited by Graeme on December 29, 2005) |
Teresa White
Intermediate Member Username: teresa_white
Post Number: 400 Registered: 01-2005
| Posted on Thursday, December 29, 2005 - 1:47 pm: |
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Graeme, I found this quite engaging and original though have a few suggestions to take or leave. Look at this. These highways dig[ging] into the backs of hills like tapeworms, [these] billboards blink[ing] new hallucinations, [these] signs and sidewalks shap(e)[ing] the land into corrals. All I've done here is get rid of your gerund forms (I've nothing against gerunds in poems, but find, in this case, the poem stronger without). I've also reduced your repeat of the word "these." What’s left but to fire our pocket change from slingshots, spiderweb these windshields [into Rorschach tears], tear up this night with our eyes, stitch these constellations into patterns of revenge? While "Rorschach tears" is highly original, just couldn't quite "see" it used in this way--feel the poem is stronger w/o that phrase. Love your "stitch these constellations into patterns of revenge." And so on and so on for hours, until the bile is dry in our [glands](throats), until our hearts’ wicks have burned [down] to [the] wax. And by 5am, all that’s left is to sputter in this early morning drizzle, count these rows of street lamps as they dim like orange groves falling into drought. All I've done is replace "glands" with "throats"--just a suggestion and to abbreviate the "heart's wick" line. Your close is beautiful! Thanks for this, Teresa
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Lazarus
Intermediate Member Username: lazarus
Post Number: 612 Registered: 10-2005
| Posted on Thursday, December 29, 2005 - 3:57 pm: |
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Graeme- This must have been written during the second wind of a long, long drive. I love the sentiment and I've been there, BEEN there. I like T's edits to smooth out- like road, with all its consequences passing by into the void. “Something sacred, that's what they want” -Jim Morrison. From the movie “The Doors.”
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LJ Cohen
Moderator Username: ljc
Post Number: 3667 Registered: 07-2002
| Posted on Thursday, December 29, 2005 - 5:52 pm: |
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Teresa has already mentioned everything I would have recommended here. Well done on this, Graeme. A wonderful piece that I fully related to. Well done. best, ljc
http://ljcbluemuse.blogspot.com/
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~M~
Board Administrator Username: mjm
Post Number: 6186 Registered: 11-1998
| Posted on Friday, December 30, 2005 - 7:26 pm: |
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Am in agreement with Teresa on all of her suggestions, Graeme. Your poems are always so strong on setting mood and atmosphere. So intense. I've missed reading you. Thanks for coming back. |
Kathy Paupore
Senior Member Username: kathy
Post Number: 2853 Registered: 12-2003
| Posted on Saturday, December 31, 2005 - 8:40 am: |
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Graeme, enjoyed the read. I like the Rorschach but felt the "tears" kind of ambiguous, tears as in rips or as in crying. Maybe tests would work better there? At any rate, I could see the shattered windshields. K |
Graeme Mullen
Advanced Member Username: graeme
Post Number: 129 Registered: 11-2003
| Posted on Saturday, December 31, 2005 - 1:29 pm: |
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Thanks for the comments all. Haven't been writing (poetry) much lately and this one just kind of fell out. I will work on it some and post a revision down the road. |
Karen L Monahan
Intermediate Member Username: klhmonahan
Post Number: 450 Registered: 08-2004
| Posted on Monday, January 02, 2006 - 6:52 pm: |
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Yes! A brilliant poem, Graeme. Wonderful. (((smile))) Karen |
Emusing
Moderator Username: emusing
Post Number: 2471 Registered: 08-2003
| Posted on Tuesday, January 03, 2006 - 6:45 pm: |
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Graeme, And so on and so on for hours, until the bile is dry in our glands, until our hearts’ wicks have burned down to the wax. And by 5am, all that’s left is to sputter in this early morning drizzle, count these rows of street lamps as they dim like orange groves falling into drought. I marvel at this last stanza. Heart´s wicks.... Splendid language all the way. E |
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