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Graeme Mullen
Advanced Member
Username: graeme

Post Number: 128
Registered: 11-2003
Posted on Thursday, December 29, 2005 - 1:09 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post

By 5am

Look at this. These highways
digging into the backs of hills
like tapeworms, these billboards
blinking new hallucinations,
these signs and sidewalks
shaping the land into corrals.

What’s left but to fire
our pocket change from slingshots,
spiderweb these windshields into
Rorschach tears, tear up this night
with our eyes, stitch these constellations
into patterns of revenge?

And so on and so on for hours,
until the bile is dry in our glands,
until our hearts’ wicks have burned
down to the wax. And by 5am,
all that’s left is to sputter
in this early morning drizzle,
count these rows of street lamps
as they dim like orange groves
falling into drought.

(Message edited by Graeme on December 29, 2005)
Teresa White
Intermediate Member
Username: teresa_white

Post Number: 400
Registered: 01-2005
Posted on Thursday, December 29, 2005 - 1:47 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post

Graeme,

I found this quite engaging and original though have a few suggestions to take or leave.

Look at this. These highways
dig[ging] into the backs of hills
like tapeworms, [these] billboards
blink[ing] new hallucinations,
[these] signs and sidewalks
shap(e)[ing] the land into corrals.

All I've done here is get rid of your gerund forms (I've nothing against gerunds in poems, but find, in this case, the poem stronger without). I've also reduced your repeat of the word "these."

What’s left but to fire
our pocket change from slingshots,
spiderweb these windshields [into
Rorschach tears], tear up this night
with our eyes, stitch these constellations
into patterns of revenge?

While "Rorschach tears" is highly original, just couldn't quite "see" it used in this way--feel the poem is stronger w/o that phrase. Love your "stitch these constellations into patterns of revenge."

And so on and so on for hours,
until the bile is dry in our [glands](throats),
until our hearts’ wicks have burned
[down] to [the] wax. And by 5am,
all that’s left is to sputter
in this early morning drizzle,
count these rows of street lamps
as they dim like orange groves
falling into drought.

All I've done is replace "glands" with "throats"--just a suggestion and to abbreviate the "heart's wick" line.

Your close is beautiful!

Thanks for this,

Teresa

Lazarus
Intermediate Member
Username: lazarus

Post Number: 612
Registered: 10-2005
Posted on Thursday, December 29, 2005 - 3:57 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post

Graeme- This must have been written during the second wind of a long, long drive. I love the sentiment and I've been there, BEEN there. I like T's edits to smooth out- like road, with all its consequences passing by into the void.
“Something sacred, that's what they want” -Jim Morrison.
From the movie “The Doors.”
LJ Cohen
Moderator
Username: ljc

Post Number: 3667
Registered: 07-2002
Posted on Thursday, December 29, 2005 - 5:52 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post

Teresa has already mentioned everything I would have recommended here. Well done on this, Graeme. A wonderful piece that I fully related to.

Well done.

best,
ljc

http://ljcbluemuse.blogspot.com/
~M~
Board Administrator
Username: mjm

Post Number: 6186
Registered: 11-1998
Posted on Friday, December 30, 2005 - 7:26 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post

Am in agreement with Teresa on all of her suggestions, Graeme. Your poems are always so strong on setting mood and atmosphere. So intense. I've missed reading you. Thanks for coming back.
Kathy Paupore
Senior Member
Username: kathy

Post Number: 2853
Registered: 12-2003
Posted on Saturday, December 31, 2005 - 8:40 am:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post

Graeme, enjoyed the read. I like the Rorschach but felt the "tears" kind of ambiguous, tears as in rips or as in crying. Maybe tests would work better there? At any rate, I could see the shattered windshields.

:-) K
Graeme Mullen
Advanced Member
Username: graeme

Post Number: 129
Registered: 11-2003
Posted on Saturday, December 31, 2005 - 1:29 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post

Thanks for the comments all. Haven't been writing (poetry) much lately and this one just kind of fell out. I will work on it some and post a revision down the road.
Karen L Monahan
Intermediate Member
Username: klhmonahan

Post Number: 450
Registered: 08-2004
Posted on Monday, January 02, 2006 - 6:52 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post

Yes! A brilliant poem, Graeme. Wonderful.

(((smile)))
Karen
Emusing
Moderator
Username: emusing

Post Number: 2471
Registered: 08-2003
Posted on Tuesday, January 03, 2006 - 6:45 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post

Graeme,

And so on and so on for hours,
until the bile is dry in our glands,
until our hearts’ wicks have burned
down to the wax. And by 5am,
all that’s left is to sputter
in this early morning drizzle,
count these rows of street lamps
as they dim like orange groves
falling into drought.

I marvel at this last stanza. Heart´s wicks....

Splendid language all the way.

E

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